I first posted this at Unfogged. With apologies to David Letterman, here we go:
Top ten initiatives of President Bloomberg's first 100 days in office
10. Federally limit all hot sauces to a maximum of 50,000 Scoville units. There is simply no legitimate need for anything stronger. (Also, sauce makers will no longer be able to use misleading trade names like "Joe Bob's Ass-Kickin' Death Sauce.")
9. Push through legislation establishing National Fire Drill Day, along with stiff penalties for heads of households whose families don't complete the drill in time. Times will be monitored by repurposed field agents from Homeland Security.
8. Pressure Hollywood to digitally erase all cigarettes, cigars from all films made to date; replace with CGI carrot or celery sticks.
7. A new tax on fast-food companies. Tax revenues will be used to hire government employees to stand at the entrance of every McDonalds nationwide and ask patrons, "Do you really want to eat here?
6. Abortion legal? Heck, in certain cases it'll be mandatory.
5. Building on the success of his NY ban on smoking in bars, a nationwide ban on hitting on women in bars. That sort of thing belongs in the office.
4. ISP's required to automatically terminate all internet connections every 25 minutes, so users will be able to rest their eyes, go outside, and get some goddamn exercise.
3. Historic "Guns or Butter" debate replaced with new, heart-friendly "Guns or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" debate.
2. Put federal air marshalls on every commercial flight; require them to inspect the entree for trans fats.
1. Count votes in all future elections with Bloomberg's own proprietary, highly-reliable data service, so we know they'll be fair.
1) Ban foie gras. Geese don't choose to binge & purge like teenage bullemics!
2) Ban private insurance coverage for children. That's the State's job - we pay so middle class parents can spend their money on more important things, like plasma TVs and consumer electronics!
3) Ban "Big Box" stores from being built within city limits. The people who want to work there don't realize that they are working for evil Walmart, nefarious Target and broken-Home Depot. We'd rather they stay at home and collect WIC, Unemployment and Public Aid.
Just a few examples from my hometown and state!
Can't say I see much attractive about Bloomberg and have to wonder what he's thinking.
It does seem, however that he would be delighed to kick the tires and take advantage of the new and improved imperial presidency, aided perhaps by nanny-state Dems.
Regards,
TT
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