CLEVELAND, OHIO (Rooters) — If reculsive artist Bill Watterson has his way, it will soon become illegal to own copies of his beloved Calvin & Hobbes comic strips — and even Stupendous Man may be powerless to stop him.

Breaking a long period of seclusion in which he granted no interviews and issued virtually no public statements, Watterson, creator of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed “Calvin & Hobbes”, has announced that he is seeking the total destruction of all copies of the strip in any form.

Watterson’s unwavering refusal to merchandise his characters is well-known, but his latest decision raises his commitment to the purity of his art to a new, and some would say too extreme, level.

“I’ve always believed that merchandising and licensing cheapens the original creation,” Watterson wrote in a statement faxed to Universal Press Syndicate, which distributed the strip from 1985 to 1995, and Andrews McMeel Publishing, which published 18 bestselling collections of it in book form, including a massive 22-pound, 1440-page “Complete” edition in 2005.

“My decision to destroy all copies of the strip itself is simply the logical extension of this core belief,” the statement continued. “When cartoon characters appear on countless products, the public inevitably grows bored and irritated with them, and the appeal and value of the original work are diminished. But when the public can simply read the original work over and over again, the same boredom and irritation inevitably follow. The only solution is to destroy the strip itself. It will live on for a few years as a fond memory, and then fade away entirely. And that’s the way it should be.”

Watterson is hardly the first artist to destroy one of his own creations. But he is almost certainly the most successful, making the execution of his decree a daunting logistical challenge. Under existing copyright law, owners of Calvin & Hobbes books must return any and all copies to Andrews McMeel Publishing by the end of the year, where they will be shredded and pulped in a warehouse specially converted for the task. Saving old newspaper copies of the strip will also become technically illegal.

In a press conference today, representatives from Mr. Watterson’s legal team admitted that while pulling the books from stores and libraries will be relatively straightforward, Watterson’s demands would be difficult to enforce against individual consumers. They announced the establishment of a website where people can report friends or acquaintances who may be hoarding old books or clippings.

“We’re counting on the support of the public to make sure Bill’s wishes are fully respected on this one,” said attorney Dionne Levchak, of intellectual property law firm Levchak Barnes & Groder, tasked with overseeing the execution of Watterson’s decree.

However, other legal scholars doubted that Watterson would ever be able to achieve the complete destruction of his strip. “Is he going to start suing college kids and grandmothers, like the RIAA?” asked Stanford law professor and copyright expert Lawrence Lessig, referring to the recording industry’s controversial prosecutions of people suspected of illegally downloading copyrighted music over the Internet. “It’s completely unworkable. It’s copyright law run amok.”

Lessig added that he was preparing a legal challenge to Watterson’s demand. But if it fails, then workable or not, the era when readers could legally own and enjoy Calvin’s adventures could be over just two months from now. That’s one cliffhanger not even Spaceman Spiff would appreciate.

LOS ANGELES (Rooters) 90's hip-hop group Digital Underground has sued current chart-toppers Black Eyed Peas, claiming humptyright infringement.

In a press release issued through his attorneys yesterday morning, Humpty Hump, the alter ego of Underground frontman Shock-G, claimed that the Peas' hit single "My Humps" illegally appropriates not only specific humps, but also the overall humptiness of the Underground's own 1990 hit, "The Humpty Dance".

"The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump", said Humpty. "Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump," he added.

Black Eyed Peas vocalist Fergie rebutted Humpty's claims in a press conference held earlier today.

"My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump," Fergie said. "My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump."

Fergie also reportedly issued a stern warning to Humpty, telling the rapper, "You don't want no drama." Humpty, for his part, has posted a message on his official website telling Fergie to "Step off, I'm doin' the hump."

Yet despite the apparent tensions between the parties, legal analysts say the case may eventually be settled out of court. Indeed, Humpty displayed a more conciliatory tone in a CNN interview this afternoon. "I'd like to send a shout out to the whole world, keep on doin' the Humpty Dance," Humpty said. "And to the ladies, peace and humptiness forever."

NEW YORK (Rooters) Popular political comedian Steven Colbert, who delivered a biting critique of President Bush at April's White House Correspondents Dinner, has been seized by US government agents.

Colbert's last major public appearance was at the White House Correspondents Dinner on Saturday, April 29, where he had been invited to "roast" President Bush. Colbert's comedic monologue was harshly critical of the President.

Repercussions were swift, as a team of CIA agents, backed by heavily-armed special forces operatives, surrounded the set of Mr. Colbert's Comedy Central TV show, "The Colbert Report", on Friday. Citing multiple violations of the Patriot Act, the agents shut down taping of the Colbert Report indefinitely, and hustled Colbert himself outside into a waiting black sedan. He has not been seen or heard from since.

According to a highly-placed State Department source, Mr. Colbert is believed to have been rendered to Uzbekistan, where President Islam Karimov may be holding him in a secret prison designed for the systematic torture of dissidents.

Comedy Central President Doug Herzog called the seizure of Colbert "shocking, but understandable."

"No one is a bigger fan of Steven than I am," Herzog said at a press conference earlier this morning. "But seriously, what was he thinking? This is America. If you mock the President, there are obviously going to be consequences."

Fellow political satirist John Stewart says he warned Colbert about going ahead with such risky material.

"I told him to play it safe," said Stewart, who worked with Colbert on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show". But Steven just wouldn't listen. He had to do it his way. And now, he's paying the price."

Recently-appointed White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said there were no immediate plans to release Colbert.

"Mr. Colbert has quite clearly indicated that he is not with us," Mr. Snow said at yesterday's press briefing. "He is with the terrorists. And as long as this nation remains at war, we cannot afford to have him disseminating so-called 'comedy' that, quite frankly, plays right into the hands of this nation's enemies."

Snow also said there was no connection between the seizure of Colbert and the unexplained absence of White House press corps reporters Helen Thomas and Dick Gregory. Neither Thomas nor Gregory has been heard from since Friday afternoon.

I can't seem to find the link for this one; I think it was on a Rooters website somewhere. But I just read a shocking news report: In the wake of its decision to censor its Chinese search results, Google is changing its corporate motto from the original "Don't be evil."

The new motto, according to unnamed company sources, is: "Be semi-evil. Be quasi-evil. Be the margarine of evil. Be the Diet Coke of evil — just one calorie; not evil enough!"

FOLLOW-UP:
Via Instapundit, Rob at Say Anything notes that Google's website no longer displays its former pledge not to censor search results. See here for the results.

ANOTHER FOLLOW-UP:
Michelle Malkin wondered what a new Google logo might look like. Her readers sent in suggestions here and here.

YET ANOTHER FOLLOW-UP:
Google lawyer Andrew McLaughlin responds to criticism of the company's China policy here.

AND ONE MORE FOLLOW-UP:
Protests, parodies, and more from BoingBoing.

BAGHDAD, Dec. 2 (NYT/Rooters) — Code-named "Operation Silent Strike," a U.S. surprise attack scheduled to take place tomorrow will aim to eliminate insurgent forces in the city of Mosul.

"Armed insurgents, 40-50, large multistory stone building, southeast quadrant, sector 7G", the formerly secret plan began. "Recon Team Alpha rooftop insertion 0200 hours, neutralize sentries. Alpha signals Fire Team Bravo perimeter breach, eliminate remaining enemy."

But far from being announced and explained in advance to the public, the plan was meant to be kept secret from anyone not directly involved in its execution, a precaution officials described as "critical to its success."

The plan was one of several intended to break the insurgents’ hold on key Iraqi cities and turn the tide of the war decisively against them. Maps show that secret attacks on several other insurgent bases have also been planned, but it is not known whether any of them will now be carried out.

Even as the U.S. spends billions of dollars training and equipping Iraq’s fledgling police force and promoting professionalism in law enforcement, senior Army and Marine Corps officers have been plotting to send groups of top special forces operatives on stealth missions that appear to violate fundamental principles of fair play.

In addition to planning unfair sneak attacks, U.S. military officers have also cultivated several informants among the insurgents, paying them each several hundred dollars a month. These informants’ names are Muhammad al-Masouf, Faraj Abu Aqleh, and Bashir Nahyan, the Times has learned. (Photographs of the three men appear on page A4.)

In many cases, the informants were paid for specific pieces of information, and at least some US maps of the insurgent headquarters were based directly on their descriptions. But these payments were not disclosed to the other insurgents.

Military spokesmen in Washington and Baghdad said Thursday that they had no information about Operation Silent Strike. When asked about the covert mission Thursday night on CNN, General Peter Pace said, "Of course I don’t know anything about it. It's a secret mission — or at least it was, until you guys in the media spilled the beans. Thanks a lot."

PARIS (Rooters) — The wave of Muslim youth violence that has spread across France for two weeks appeared to lose some momentum today, French police said, raising hopes that the country's worst civil unrest in almost 40 years may be starting to draw to a close.

And the reason was not the get-tough measures called for by France's hardline interior minister Nicolas Sarkozy and various conservative pundits, like aggressive policing, mass arrests, or sending in military troops. Rather, the riots seem to be petering out due to one simple fact: There aren't that many cars left to burn.

After torching hundreds, even thousands, of cars night after night, rioters are finding new ones hard to come by. "It used to be you could walk down any street and have your pick of Renaults, Peugeots, even the occaisional Fiat," said Karim Sharraf, 18, his words muffled by a black bandanna tied over his nose and mouth. "Now you have to hunt around for hours before you find anything good."

Another rioter agreed: "I'd even settle for a rusty old Deux-Cheveaux," said Ali al-Jadda, 16, aimlessly tossing an unlit molotov cocktail from hand to hand. "But there's hardly anything left."

In an afternoon press conference, French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin said the ebbing tide of violence proves the superiority of France's economic policies.

"In America, where there are so many cars, this kind of unrest could last for months," de Villepin said. "But here in France, with our low levels of productivity and high unemployment, there just isn't that much to destroy in the first place."

De Villepin said France would act quickly to raise taxes and shorten the workweek to avoid any possibility of further riots.

FOLLOW-UP:
Wretchard of The Belmont Club takes a more serious look at French car-burning rates here.

VIRGINIA BEACH (Rooters) — Controversial evengelist and television host Pat Robertson announced yesterday that he is personally responsible for Hurricane Katrina and the massive damage it has caused to New Orleans and surrounding areas.

In the past, Robertson has linked hurricanes and other natural disasters to homosexuals and what he described as their "sinful" behavior. However, this time he claims he himself is at fault.

"Clearly, the Lord was displeased by my recent call for the assassination of [Venezuelan President Hugo] Chávez," Robertson said on last night's broadcast of his popular "700 Club" television program.

"I apologized for the remark, but by then it was too late," Roberston added. "The Almighty had already launched Katrina on its path of destruction."

Bush To Insert, Remove Sheehan Feeding Tube
CRAWFORD, Texas (Rooters) – Speaking to reporters gathered outside his Crawford ranch, President Bush said that he will “take swift and decisive action to end the suffering” of war protester Cindy Sheehan, whose son was killed in Iraq.

Bush said he has approved a plan in which doctors would insert a feeding tube in the 48-year-old woman’s throat, and then remove it, after which she would be allowed to starve to death.

“I have learned from the sad case of Terri Schiavo,” Bush said, referring to the brain-damaged woman whose own feeding tube was removed earlier this year after she spent 15 years in what some physicians described as a persistent vegetative state.

“Sadly, nothing I can do will bring back the son Mrs. Sheehan lost. And I now realize that when a woman is suffering with no chance of recovery, we should end that suffering quickly and humanely. I intend to do just that for Mrs. Sheehan.”

In a heated question-and-answer session following his statement, Bush brushed aside repeated objections that Mrs. Sheehan, unlike Mrs. Schiavo, remains alert and fully aware of her surroundings.

“Mrs. Sheehan may appear to be protesting our nation's presence in Iraq,” Bush said. “But her anti-war statements are mere reflex actions that don't require conscious thought.”

PAKISTAN (Rooters) — After months of speculation, it appears that what many fans feared would happen has indeed come to pass: Osama Bin Laden’s series of videotaped threats against America and her allies is finished.

Al-Qaeda second-in-command and Bin Laden associate Ayman Al-Zawahri revealed in an interview with Al-Jazeera that the world’s most-wanted criminal is not coming back.

"Osama’s tapes are over, man. Done," Al-Zawahri told reporters from the Arabic-language news network. "It took me a long time to be able to say those words, but I can say it pretty easy now because it's the truth."

While Islamic terrorists and their sympathizers around the world still hold out hope that more tapes will be made — and Al-Zawahri said that half of a new threat has already been recorded — many of those who swelled with pride upon hearing each new rambling harangue from Osama are facing up to the possibility that they will have to make do with the several tapes he has already released.

The next videotaped threat from the reclusive terrorist leader has been on ice since Bin Laden halted production suddenly and went back into hiding somewhere, it is thought, in the forbidding, mountainous terrain along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.

"I'm disappointed it ended the way it did, but I'm not angry with anybody — except, of course, the Americans and the Jews," Al-Zawahri said. "Osama’s tapes were like a suicide bomber who gloriously martyrs himself. They came out, they got everybody's attention, but they blew up into itty bitty pieces, and they blew up quick."

In another sign that the tapes may be on permanent hiatus, Bin Laden's longtime writing partner and reclusive former Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar is "no longer involved" in their production, according to an Al-Qaeda spokesperson.

Bin Laden allegedly met with Omar several years ago, but the pair have not spoken since — although Omar’s once-powerful gang of fundamentalist Islamic thugs has left the door open for Osama’s return, the spokesperson said.

According to Al-Zawahri, Bin Laden denies that the constant pressure of hiding from US and Pakistani forces led him to stop making new tapes, saying he is only living in dank, squalid caves in order to clear his head.

"I'm not crazy; I'm not smoking hashish," Bin Laden allegedly told Al-Zawahri. "I'm definitely stressed out. There were things that overwhelmed me, but not in the way that people are saying."

PASSAIC, NJ (Rooters) — Jordan Kulundzic, MD, won an argument about the Iraq war today by enlisting in the US Army.

Kulundzic, 34, a resident gastroenterologist at Passiac Beth Israel Hospital, also maintains the conservative blog "I’m All Right" (imallright.blogspot.com).

Yesterday, that blog became the site of a heated political debate when a commenter, identified only the screen name “ihatebush209”, challenged Kulundzic’s support for the US-led invasion of Iraq.

"I wrote this really long essay about why I support the war in Iraq," Kulundzic said. "I thought I had covered every angle, including the need to be absolutely sure that Saddam had no WMD’s, the moral case for liberating the Iraqi people, and the long-term strategic importance of spreading democracy throughout the volatile Middle East."

“But then ihatebush209 just tore my arguments to shreds,” he said.

ihatebush209’s comment read, "Hey, mister Keyboard Kommando, if you like the war so much, why don’t you go and fight it, you little chickenhawk? Buc-buc-buc bu'CAW!!!"

Kulundzic remembers feeling dejected at seeing his efforts so easily dismissed.

"I felt terrible," he said. "That guy had me beat, fair and square. All my well-researched opinions on Iraq were worthless so long as I wasn’t personally fighting there. And those fake chicken noises made his counter-argument all the more effective."

But later that evening, Kulundzic recalls, he realized how he could win the debate. The next day, he enlisted in the Army, announcing his decision on his blog.

"ihatebush209 posted another comment almost immediately," Kulundzic said. “He says that now, since I’ve joined the Army, he realizes I was right about Iraq all along. My own individual decision to enlist completely undermined his entire argument against the war."

Kulundzic’s relatives, friends, and colleagues have all expressed shock at his sudden career change. His wife, Kulundzic says, is upset not only that he will be heading off to war, but also that, on his much lower military salary, the couple will have to put their house up for sale and pull their two children out of private school.

Kulundzic shrugs off her concerns.

“Honestly, it was an easy decision to make,” he said. “Proving myself to Internet trolls is worth any price. And as soon as I step off the plane in Baghdad and head out on patrol, my support for the war will finally become valid."

FOLLOW-UP:
More comments over at Balloon Juice and Crooks and Liars.

ANOTHER FOLLOW-UP:
Jon Henke wonders whether Democrats and liberals will be signing up to fight in Afghanistan, an invasion that many of them fully supported.

NEW YORK, Dec. 30 (Rooters) — In a prepared speech today, U.N. Undersecretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs Jan Egeland rapped terrorist kingpin Osama Bin Laden for his "stingy" response to the Indian Ocean tsunamis that killed close to 100,000 people earlier this week.

"It is beyond me why Bin Laden is so stingy, really," the Norwegian-born U.N. official told reporters. "The terrible impact of this disaster should remind the son of a wealthy Saudi businessman like Bin Laden of how many people need his help."

Egeland blamed U.S. President George W. Bush for Bin Laden's failure to provide more relief aid. "If Bush hadn't done so much damage to Al Qaeda in the past few years, Bin Laden would have the resources to really make a difference. Hopefully the world will now see just how misguided America's 'War on Terror' really is."

Egeland also lamented the recent passing of Palestinian Authority leader Yasser Arafat, who he said "would certainly have donated large sums of money to the needy."